So about 2 weeks ago, I was sitting in a room at a place where they do clinical trials for all kinds of things. I was told I qualify for a study for an additional drug to inhance the medication for depression. I've been feeling like the medication I'd been taking isn't quite doing enough. I still feel depressed all the time. So I looked into it, and desided to look at the clinical trial. Anyway, while I was there for the appointment, there was a young man who is studying to be a doctor and wanted to talk to depression patients about their symptoms and what they go through. So I talked to him about my situation. While speaking with him, I made a discovery. I discovered that I've been depressed longer than I realized, but my early symptoms were not as noticable to anyone. Actually, my mother did notice.
Upon arriving home from my mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints, I couldn't find a job. I felt like maybe I had made a mistake in leaving for 18 months. I didn't ever tell anyone I felt that way. I wanted so badly to get my life started. In the beginning, I was so full of hope in my future. But as the weeks dragged on, I became less and less hopeful. That is the time the depression began. I realized my childhood was over and I needed to get busy living life, but I ran into problems over and over. Once I found work, things improved, but I still wondered if I made incorrect decisions. My mom mentioned to me that I was different than I used to be before my mission. But then I was working and going back to school. I met my husband and we got married. I was so happy. I had jobs and I also bought my first car. A year and a half after our wedding, we moved to Washington state.
In Washington, I found work right away. It was a really great job. I missed my family. I felt empty and had a lot of feelings I didn't know how to cope. My new ward was difficult. There wasn't anyone near my age. There were other newly wed couples, but they were really young and weren't into things we were. Plus they were starting to have babies and were super cliquey. So I was almost alone for the first time with no friends and no family near by. I had my husband, but I needed more than him. So I cut. Looking back, I can see several other things I could have done.
So after my husband saw the cuts, we talked, and I decided I needed to go talk to someone. After about 6 months of therapy, I felt better. I had some new tools in my arsenal. Then my mother was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. That was really difficult, especially sense we were so far apart. I found another job with more pay and closer to home. I was mostly happy again. I had stopped going to church (that made me sad). My relationship with my husband was better than ever. But then the down turn in the economy of 2008 happened. I lost my job. I couldn't find any job. I went on many interviews, but no job offers.
We decided it was time to move to Bremerton and buy a house. So we did. I continued to look for work. I found a few jobs, but I didn't love any of them. My new ward in Bremerton was wonderful. It felt like coming home. I returned to full activity. I was getting more and more depressed because I couldn't find good consistent work and life was really weighing on me. I started seeing a new therapist. She really got me and I felt much more comfortable talking about anything with her. She really helped me. I started to reconnect with my father. Then in 2013, I got really bad news. My mother decided she'd had enough and was ready to die. I was devastated. Thankfully, that very day I found out, I had an appointment with my therapist. We went back to Salt Lake and said good bye. Her funnaral was beautiful. I took all my stuff back home that we had left there. Along with her sewing machines. When I got home, I continued to have increased symptoms of depression, so I talked to my doctor and increased my dose. Time passed and then in 2016, my dad had a heart attack and died. I didn't find out for more than a month. I was just starting to reconnect. I was looking forward to going back and possibly seeing him. Then he was gone and the moment passed.
Now currently, with all the madness in the world, I feel hightened symptoms. I am starting the suplimental medication in the next few days. I'm excited for that. Hopefully it will help. Hopefully I won't be on the plesebo, and I can get real help medically. I see little glimpses of my old self, when I was truly happy. For the first time in years, I have a little hope in the future. I think maybe things might get better soon.
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